1957 • Honolulu, Hawaii ~ I remember that Christmas Eve. I wanted us to have a tree, so I made it from a beautiful branch of dark wood I found near our house earlier that day. At each tip where its small thorns crooked out I stuck a sugared gumdrop, then carefully bow-tied the mid stems with colored ribbons from Mom’s sewing basket, glued on cotton-balls for angel hair, and underneath arranged a white pillowcase for snow. I waited by the door for Mom to come home from work, imagining how happy she and Santa would be, even though I knew there was no such thing as Santa, but if there was, he’d like it too. Hearing her footsteps, I ran and stood erect next to my creation, a slim smile on my face. As she entered I exhaled, “Mele Kalikimaka.” She stopped. She stared right through the tree, then right through me. Turning away, she walked into the bedroom and softly closed the door.
Her look told me everything I never wanted to know. At that moment, something in me changed. I knew that no matter what I did, I was not going to please her, not going to matter to her, that she was not going to see me. I didn’t try again. I was no longer willing to nick my heart knocking on a door that wouldn’t open.
to be continued…
© 2018. Catherine Sevenau.
All rights reserved.
Susan Dalberg says
I reached to the screen and hugged you. I remember being invisible and hate it for you.
Catherine Sevenau says
Where you are the most wounded, you are the most accomplished. I had it that “I am that I am invisible.” Today, I am anything but, in oh so many ways. I had to be there to be here, so it is all, all working. Thankful that we are soul sisters my love.
mari baughman says
So did I! (Reach through the screen and hug you!) You are so amazingly, beautifully, visible, and a treasure to us all.
Catherine Sevenau says
Mari, as are you, and you are a dear, thank you.
Kay R says
Working with a LCSW this year & dealing with these issues as well. I was the sick child out of 4 so I required special attention. I suspect she resented me because I had so many different medical needs. To have a mother who doesn’t love you stunts our emotional growth. Anyway, deep stuff & I’m so glad you survived. It gives hope to the rest of us. ❤
Catherine Sevenau says
Lots of personal growth work, therapy, and self-refelection helped. So does a sense of humor and dark chocolate. There is always hope, and like I wrote in the book, false hope is better than no hope at all. Hang in there girlfriend.
Barbara says
This is so heartbreaking. But she didn’t break you. Angeles Arrien shared this with us from Rumi…..
“Break my heart. Oh, break it again, so I can love more fully.” -Rumi
Catherine Sevenau says
What does Rumi know…
Juliette Andrews says
Mental Illness is always hard to believe is there, even when it is right there in our face. We have hope, we try to fix it, but your lesson you learned at a young age is not forgotten and carries on. Thankful for your loving children and grandchildren, it is so healing.
Catherine Sevenau says
Thank goodness I learned my mothering elsewhere!