I Want What I Want When I Want It

I am self-made, self-sufficient, and self-supporting, along with being self-reliant, self-confident and self-motivated. I am also self-righteous, self-serving, self-critical, self-centered, and perhaps just a wee bit self-absorbed.

I reek of responsibility and good reputation.
I hold dear my anxiety, all the while remaining tethered to my resentment.
Stubborn, I’m like a dog with a bone in its mouth.
I get mired in the details—a known list-maker and lint-picker.
I wanted the badge of busy-ness so badly, then life got too complicated.
I’m tired: tired of being late, late, late, never feeling that I can possibly get everything done, wearing myself out with my accomplishing, questioning, and searching. I’m feverish with all my thinking, afraid to stop doing… afraid of what might happen if I did.
I have a lot of rules, with a tendency to wear my halo a little tight.
A know-it-all, I can be annoyingly bossy.
I want to be mad. I want to be right. I want to be liked.
I long to have patience immediately.
I can be tight-lipped and stingy, especially with small things.
I get annoyed when you can’t, won’t, or don’t get to the point.
I yearn to have everything neat and tidy, like my sock drawer.
I want to be the boss. (I don’t want to be responsible, I just want to be in charge.)
I’m never simply cold, hungry, or tired. Nooo, I’m freezing, starving, or exhausted.
I get cranky if I haven’t eaten. (Actually, I get hostile if I haven’t eaten.)
I want more than I have and I want things to be different.
I get confused. (I’m not the one to ask if you need directions.)
I have a few beliefs no one can talk me out of.
I carry unmet expectations, mostly of myself.
I have an edgy mistrust when it comes to affairs of the heart.
I haven’t decided how I feel about God. It’s absurd to suppose that He would choose his companions for all eternity only those whose sole ambition was to obey. I also no longer believe the stories I’ve been told about being a blotch on His creation. Who makes this stuff up anyway?

Am I happy? At times, when I don’t let my thoughts and emotions drag me around. Am I learning compassion? Yes, one breath at a time. It’s not, however, my strong suit.

I worry less about what I do and more about how I be.
Instead of “please” I practice saying “thank you.”
What I believe is true for me, so I’m more careful as to what I believe. I also try not to believe everything I think.

I try to be grateful.
I try to be mindful.
I try to surrender.
And sometimes I hit a good lick!

I do the best I can, and then I let it go.
I am that I am, and I am enough.

I wish that—and this—for my grandchildren, and their children, and theirs:
That they hold dear their genuine curiosity, that they work hard in life to be where they want, and that they joyously experience the miraculous Seven Wonders of the World:
~to see
~to hear
~to touch
~to taste
~to feelPhotoFunia peace
~to laugh
~to love

I want them to know seventh heaven and the seven seas. I want them to be magnificently fearless, passionate, thankful, and kind. I want them to grow up and be useful, to make a difference, and to lead a life well lived. And with the greatest of hope, I want them to know peace.

Catherine (Clemens) Sevenau

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Comments

  1. Wow, you are me. Or I am you… What a struggle to want be be so open and calm and yet be so detailed and driven. I want to be surfing on a Wednesday and closing a big sale on Thursday… but life is never that structured, and even though I don’t know why… I’m glad. And for the record, I have sock drawers with dividers so the colors don’t touch. Mike.

  2. Catherine, Love your humor and roll of your words always. You say the things about yourself that most of us have a tough time telling about ourselves ~ and I’m so glad you let us peek under the covers with your tender connection and longing for your grandkids.

  3. Robert S says:

    personal yet universal

  4. This one hits really close to home. Glad you are a few blocks (not just steps) ahead of me, around me, to self deprecate and instruct simultaneously. I am honored to call you friend.

  5. I love your use of words and how you make them flow, “I reek of responsibility”. The lists of I ams: the quote that you want to be the boss, no not the responsility, just in charge, jars me now. I am so tired of responsibility, perhaps that is why I spend so much time reading the old fashioned newspaper. But truly baby, you got writing style!

  6. Perfect honesty and so funny.

  7. Peggy Bair says:

    beautiful, beautiful, beautiful…..dearest friend….you have said it all — again!! thanks to your “self” for being in my life…..peg

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